Some people mistake arrogance as self confidence. As a consequence, they lack respect for others. I still recall a time when I lacked respect for music teachers because one of them decided it would be fun to making a laughing stock of a little fifth grader.
When I decided to take music classes in college, I thought I was self confident enough to follow one of my dreams. Instead, I was vindictive and disrespectful of their teaching style and demands – which made the teachers dislike me in return. Of course, they had nothing to do with that teacher from my fifth grade, but I saw all of them in the same light. In turn, I gained very little if anything from the classes.
I was also fearful while going to school for a lot of reasons. As I recall my top three fears were lack of resources for attending higher education (my parents had nothing set aside for it), inability to perform as perfectly as my teachers wanted, and lack of a proper social life (including a regular GF) – not necessarily in that order.
My nerves were so frayed in college from the work load and performance issues that I acquired a bad case of chicken pox, something I should have been inoculated for as a kid, but my parents never thought it was important. In terms of psychoneuroimmunology, the stress that was replacing any self confidence I might have had was damaging my health.
Oh, how I wish there were regular classes on self confidence in public school or, at least, some kind of tool for kids to help educate them on gaining mental strength. In martial morality, will, endurance, perseverance, patience, and courage are called “morality of mind.” I wanted to learn “morality of mind,” but noone I knew was teaching it.
There was an “I’m OK, You’re OK” class in middle school. Unfortunately, I was sick the first day and the teacher/VP immediately assumed that I was “goofing off.” I found that insulting which further drove down my confidence. In turn, the “I’m OK, You’re OK” class did nothing for me, but make me wonder where do I go to learn self confidence.
What I didn’t know at the time is that performance type activities like music, band, dance, choir, athletics, gymnastics, etc. are all there to help bolster self confidence – given the proper teachers. I lacked the confidence to join in these activities. Part of the reason is I lacked confidence in teachers, so I let most of those performance activities slip through my fingers during high school.
The problem lies therein when we let these little people “get to us.” Of course, kids don’t know how to put up a “psychic shield” against negative behaviors, especially against adults who should be acting as mentors – not pugalists looking for verbal punching bags. As a result, young people grow up lacking self confidence.
Fortunately, Jim McElwee gives us a few hints on self confidence and entrainment tools to help us remove that dark layer of accumulated garbage from our subconscious.
The next section on self confidence by Jim McElwee reminds me of what we might experience during a job interview or when we meet a significant other. The last thing we want to do at these times is demonstrate a fascade, pretense, or posturing. Good, honest people with whom we seek long term relationships discover the fascade later if not sooner.
My addendums to assist to Jim’s discussion are in italic parens. Please enjoy:
Today I’d like to talk about self confidence and its importance in the social hierarchy. When you observe your family and friends interacting there is often an individual present who seems unconcerned of whether others are judging him or not and who clearly gets along without worrying about the small things that happen around them in a certain group. This comes from two sources, one external and one internal. Let’s explore the internal today.
An interesting exercise is to think to yourself in the quickest way possible to find a word that accurately describes you as a person in a short period of time. Is the word a neutral observation? If so, think about that neutral observation and see how you feel (feel how you see?) about it.
You’d be surprised how polarizing this can be for many people. Even positive words can often be born out of a sense of desire rather than observation. Take “confident,” for example. Did that word pop into your head because you were feeling confident? Or because you wanted confidence? Was the word a physical feature you liked? Or disliked? Was it connected to something you’d like to accomplish?
Confidence is an incredibly important trait to possess, and the funny thing about it is it really does come from within. Remember the analogy from last time about the mind as a garden. Negative experiences that hurt our self confidence are like twisted vines that will try to choke out the good experiences. And the good experiences can be multiplied by action.
If you’re talking to someone and you’re thinking the whole time subconsciously, “I don’t want to be rejected by this person,” they will pick up on it (subconsciously) and wonder why you feel you should be rejected. Occasionally these thoughts can be so strong that they can even bleed into the conscious.
We live in a society that thrives on apprehension and poor self image (which is what makes people like Anthony Robbins so rich). But if you can change that into strong self confidence, you’ll find that the less you worry about rejection the less you will experience it. And when you don’t worry about it, even experiencing it won’t harm you as much as it once did. Think of our entrainment therapy like a (plow) machine built by a skilled gardener to help (uproot) this self doubt so you can start living the way you want. You can always find our confidence boosting entrainment therapy. Check it out and live on your own terms.
Most communication happens on several levels. On the level that we judge people, most signs of self confidence are things that cannot be faked. Aside from a few easy to see through “tricks” (men are told to take up as much space as possible while sitting, for example) there are no ways to truly pretend to be confident.
Imagine your voice like you’re singing a song. A confident person will naturally hit the right notes that indicate they know what they’re doing. If they are faking it, they will inevitably hit a false note and the facade will come crashing down. The only way to truly achieve it is by feeling it first. (Therefore, confidence is gained through knowledge and experience.)
There’s no need for dehumanizing manuals that constantly remind you of things you hate, and that pretend that everyone in the world “gets it” except you. Those manuals don’t know you and they don’t know anyone around you. If you met some of the people who write those you would be surprised at how insecure they were too. You do know what you’re doing. And there’s no label hanging above your head. Be who you want as soon as you’re ready to.
And that brings us to the most important change that must take place: You must make a deeply rooted personal decision to be that confident person. If you subconsciously feel like you deserve less than everyone around you, then you won’t change. Make the change one of identity through visualization.
Imagine in your head a realistic version of who you’d really like to be. Make this person real to you. Give them hopes, aspirations, small victories, and a situation they can truly be proud of. Don’t imagine the world around them changing to accommodate them. Imagine their making changes to get what they want, and having a long term plan of where they want to go.
After visualizing it mentally, understand that you are your visualization. Everything in them came from you. And you can do everything they can with practice if you have a sense of self worth.
(In fiction, the characters that must overcome adversity are the ones that draw us in. We hope and pray for good people to succeed who are “under dogs;” it’s formulaic, but it works.
For example, “It’s a Wonderful Life” is a famous holiday story about a man who gave up his childhood dreams of world travel and faced one adverse situation after another in his life. He finally came to a situation where he felt he was worth more dead than alive, then an angel convinced him otherwise. He became the richest man in town because everyone who he helped with their dreams came to his rescue.
By the same token, you can also write / speak / visualize this fictional character who finds ways to succeed – first by helping others overcome their adversities to achieve their dreams.
Imagine where your “character” fits into the great river of life. The hopes and aspirations of your “character” surely resonates with others – like eddys and currents forming a “whirlpool.” In this sense, your small victories are also the small victories of others. The situations of which your “character” can truly be proud are surely the most treacherous to overcome wherein you set the model for others to also achieve.
Imagine your “character” succeeding first by overcoming adversity, thereby giving people around him further hope and aspiration to also overcome this adversity. The story can be simple; it doesn’t have to be a James Bond theme. Your “character” can take baby steps going a little further each day, until he/she finally convinces you to be confident to take those same steps in your life… Then sell your book on Amazon.)
We’ve covered the internal aspects of confidence, but next time let’s take a look at some of the steps you can take on the outside to express your newly found confident self. And remember, travel with a destination in mind. Be confident, set goals, and achieve them.
Have a safe and enlightened journey!